I decided to wear jeans to the funeral today because I hate the dress I was planning on wearing and let’s be honest- it wasn’t about me and it wasn’t a fashion show. They were dark jeans and practically brand new so unless you really wanted to tell that they were jeans, you would have never known from 4 feet away. The problem is I bought them in tall and the under rolled cuff I had unrolled it’s self on the way into the church so I spent the rest of the day walking on my pants and trying not to trip up and down the stairs. Anyone who knows me at all knows that any activity involving a solid level of coordination can turn into an event showcasing a solid lack of coordination. I have conferred with my mom and we are going to hem them this weekend. Safety first people.
Wearing my jeans would be something in Weight Watchers called a non-scale-victory or NSV. I wore them not out of disrespect but because they made me comfortable and I was confident enough to wear them without caring what others might think. For me, this was a victory because this small act made me feel powerful, all be it for only a few moments, but just the same, it was something that I was doing for me. These moments are unfamiliar and uncomfortable because I have spent so much time of the last years worrying about the needs of others and putting their feelings and needs above mine. The line between taking care of yourself and being selfish is not drawn straight and clear. It is curvy and blurry and seems to be in constant motion. The perfect formula for creating a situation where it is just easier to not worry about yourself at all and in doing so, it was my first step in losing myself. So today, for a second, I put my needs first and wore jeans to a funeral. And with that small act, I feel a little bit stronger, a little bit closer to the person I want to be.