Month: September 2017

I was sitting at my desk today looking out the window at a man walking his dog and I was thinking about Maddie and how life without her seems normal. And although I really loved the idea of having a dog, but lets be honest, it never did for me the things that I had imagined it would.  I imagined myself getting each day and taking her for a long walk and we both would love it and I would become glorious tan and thin from it.  Reality – we would wake up in the morning and I would take her out to poop in my jammies, hoping not to see a neighbor and try not to vomit while picking up a bag of steaming dog shit with only a thin plastic bag to protect me from the poo and then we would both come back inside immediately to look for breakfast. I imagined us snuggling in bed and peacefully co-existing.  Reality – she was a bed hog that liked to sleep in the middle and since she was old, I would just let her stay there, it never occurring to me that I would sleep any other way than cold and contorted because not only did she hog the bed, she would lock down the covers under her.  I lived in fear of having forgotten to barricade the trash before leaving the house and coming home to all the garbage spread everywhere.  Maybe it’s selfish, but I really enjoy not dealing with the morning steamy pile, sleeping in a normal position and knowing garbage will stay safely in the can  when I leave the house.  And all of this got me thinking, why did I do all these things?  Because I thought I had to. Because I thought that she would like living her better because she would be the only dog and that was better for her.  But was it really better for me?

I keep going back to a statement Steve made when we broke up.  He said that I had changed since we first started dated, that I had become angry.  He was right, I was angry.  I had stopped doing anything that I enjoyed doing because instead, I put all my efforts and energies into doing what was right for everyone else and I resented him for it.  I didn’t want to do things with my friends on the weekends because that was when he was home.  I never said no to Bailey coming over because Bailey liked it here and who was I to keep a kid from his dad – even if that went we went months without a weekend alone.  I never got to hold the remote, we always had mashed potatoes and I always worried about food everyone else liked before I bought things I liked at the grocery store – heck, at times, I would make sure Steve had everything for his lunch and then he would leave and there would be no food in the fridge.  So yeah, I was angry, my life wasn’t my own anymore.  I had gotten lost in the laundry, and picking up packages and people and beer and doing his “favors”.

So back to the dog.  I felt guilty for letting her go.  Selfish. But here’s the thing – I hear she’s doing great.  Do you think she’s losing sleep over me?  Probably not. And in the end, it’s not really a loss because now I have the whole bed to myself and no more poo in the morning.

I know it’s a round about way of getting to my point but here it is.  I gave up ( had sucked out) my fun parts, my joyful parts, my peaceful parts to try to make the lives around me better and in the process, I took something away from mine.  I know that “finding yourself” is such a cliche phrase, especially for women of my age but for the first time in years, I feel like me.  Using fancy pink wine glasses for a 10 year old’s birthday, working on craft projects, planning trips, having the time and energy to be able to check on my friends going through rough patches, all these things I can do now, now that I have all my parts back.

I’m not saying you need to walk away from life, most of you have pretty great ones, or so it appears on Facebook.  But maybe take a second and realize you don’t have to take it all on.  It’s OK to feed your kids rotisserie chicken and bagged salad sometimes for dinner.  I’m not going to rat you out if you have stubble on your legs.  Dust will NOT kill you.  Make sure you don’t miss your actual life trying to create a perfect one.  Oh and you deserve that spot on the bed more than your dog does.

I had a friend post on Facebook tonight about how she stands for the national anthem and how it upsets it her when people don’t.  This whole NFL kneeling thing bothers me and so I sat down with myself and thought about why it does and what the flag means to me.

It a symbol of America’s greatness – the moon, Iwo Jima, the Trade center site.

The American flag is a phoenix and rises from the ashes giving us hope that will be a tomorrow because we will face it together a nation.

It is a symbol of what happens when 13 colonies, with different ideas and reasons for seeking freedom, came together as one to fight for independence from England and Europe.

Represented by the 13 stripes, those colonies knew that together they were stronger than apart.

It is a symbol of a fluid nation – with stars representing each state.

No one state is more important than the next on the flag, each is equally represented by a star – a beckon of hope.

It is a symbol of honor given to families of fallen service members.

My grandfather served in the Army some 70 years ago as a young man.  When he was buried, he received military honors and flag was given to his son, my father, with the words, “On behalf of the President of the United States and a grateful nation [we thank your father for his service}” Hearing that is something that etches something special in your heart that is inexplicable.

When someone thinks they don’t need to stand for the Pledge or the National Anthem, to me,  they saying they don’t believe there is hope, they don’t believe that we can rise again, they think the problems of this nation are too great to be solved and they just want to point out the problems, not be part of the solution.

I know it might seem trivial, but to me, a lot of protests happening today, make me think back to an incident when I was a kid at the Milwaukee County Zoo involving an elephant that was retiring.  It’s got to be close to 30 years ago now, but Bob Barker (from the Price is Right) and a bunch of other celebrities all came and protested the zoo and there was all this hoopla about where the elephant was going.  A very wise woman close to me thought that it was sad that all this energy went into protesting this decision when every night there are children who go to bed hungry, who sleep in fear of being beaten or worse at night, or don’t even have a home and she said, “imagine how many kids they could have helped.”  And while that might seem like a simple idea, think about it.  Instead of putting so much time and energy into spreading hate, what if everyone used that energy to help bring up a generation of kind, patriotic, industrious people.  Think about it.  We all literally have the ability to teach a whole generation about goodness and quite frankly, how to not be a bunch of little ass holes.  Children are parrots. They will copy and assimilate what we teach them.

I will admit, there is a certain satisfaction about writing some scathing retort to someone’s opinions on Facebook or Twitter but what is gained by that?  You are simply adding more hate to the universe and frankly, I don’t think it does much to change anyone’s view point except for them to lash out back at you.  Just for a few days, try not to do it.  When something upsets you, or causes you to want to punch someone in the throat, try doing something nice for someone else.  Send a thank you email or write a nice note about someone who did something great, or send a little encouragement to someone who is struggling.  You will be able to bring joy, gratitude and a little sunshine in a cloudy world.  Your words and actions are powerful.  Don’t waste them with hate.

 

The chair is still in the living room but tomorrow I’m going to set it up the right way, I think she has been punished enough.  Today’s project was making my bed with the new bedding.  I have to ask, why can’t anything be easy?  I will acknowledge that is possible I make things harder than they have to be but seriously, have you ever put a duvet ( aka comforter) in a duvet cover?  20 minutes people and it’s still lumpy, I almost had to crawl inside it to get it all straightened out.  I bet that doesn’t happen to Martha Stewart or her minions. I must admit though, it is quite lovely.

So as you know, a few weeks ago, the dog went to her new home.  It was really hard for me at first and I was quite sad about it and I do still miss her – but this morning, I work up and went to the grocery store.  I didn’t have to worry if the garbage can was put away, I didn’t have to take her out first to go potty, I didn’t come home feeling guilty because I went for a ride in the car without her.  It really is so much easier to get out the door when you don’t have to worry about that kind of stuff.  With the cat, he’s going to sleep on my bed whether I’m there or not, so to him, me leaving is a bit of a bonus, he doesn’t have to fight for the good spot.

I know that I am jumping around a bit tonight but I made a list of things to mention throughout the course of the day.  I do a lot of crossword puzzles and things like that.  I also am a big fan of Jeopardy and generally not being an idiot so it started to bug me when I realized there would some things I should know that I did not.  So I’ve started a list of things I wanted to learn now that I have some free time and I was thinking, I can’t be the only one who has these thoughts.  When I do research my things I think I should know, I’m going to share the info with you as well – do with it what you will.  Also, please shoot me a comment, message or email if there is topic you would like a short lesson on.  I already have like 3 topics on my list.  The first thing on my list was to get a grip on the presidents of the United States from 1900.  People talk about Eisenhower and Truman and I’m like when was that and so I provide you with the following list:

• William McKinley (1897-1901)
• Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)
• William H. Taft (1909-1913)
• Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)

• Warren G. Harding (1921-1923)
• Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929)
• Herbert Hoover (1929-1933)
• Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945)
• Harry S. Truman (1945-1953)
• Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961)
• John F. Kennedy (1961-1963)
• Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969)
• Richard M. Nixon (1969-1974)
• Gerald R. Ford (1974-1977)
• Jimmy Carter (1977-1981)
• Ronald Reagan (1981-1989)
• George H. W. Bush (1989-1993)
• Bill Clinton (1993-2001)
• George W. Bush (2001-2009)
• Barack Obama (2009-2017)
• Donald Trump (2017- )

I’m going to print mine, laminate it and hang it up in the shower for a couple weeks.  I feel like I can have it memorized in no time.

Look at me, worrying about learning stuff, grocery shopping and shoving stuff in duvet covers.  It feels pretty good.

 

 

I sit down to write tonight and I was all excited because it said there were 13 comments waiting for me.  I knew that most of them would be spam ( especially since my number one fan, CZ, already left a sweet comment on the last blog) but I thought at least one of them would be real.  Not a single one was. However, I got the standard messages about monetizing my blog, the one about how writing is hard work, the one about how this is exactly what they were looking for and 7 about going to Dubai.  I hate to break their heart but anywhere that requires a passport is no where near the top of my list right now of places to travel to.  It is nice to know though that the WWW knows I’m here.  Kind of like you how you feel your business is starting to make it when you get your first telemarketing call.

What I love most is when I actually talk to people, on IM or on the phone or in real life and they are all like, “I read your blog about…” and share how it made them feel with me.  It is really heart warming to know that I have so many people interested in how things are going and enjoying my “adventures”.

So I don’t know if I mentioned this before but when Harvey hit, I was able to help by going on Amazon and finding a wish list for a group called Undies for All ( I heard about it before I went to Amazon) and I was able to send brand new underwear to Texas.  This might seem like a small thing, but imagine if you were in a shelter or had just lost all the stuff in your house – what a luxury brand new underwear would be.  I don’t even know if they are still collecting underwear but I have a point.  There are still people whose lives are not back to normal.  My cousin in Florida literally just got their power back within the last day or so.  I know that a lot of people have their issues with the Red Cross or think that a small donation of $10 dollars can’t do anything.  I sent 4 pairs of XL ladies underwear for like $11.  I made a difference to 4 people by spending $11.  Think about it.  We are all so amazingly powerful and can affect the world with these small acts of kindness.  There are still people in need in the the hurricane areas, there are people in our own communities in need.  If you don’t think your $5 or $10 can help, think again.  Something as simple as showing some extra kindness to your lonely neighbor, the struggling mom at the grocery store, the woman who dared wear sweatpants to Target, can create a butterfly effect in the best of ways.

Enough talk from my save the world soapbox- I know what you all really want to know – what is going on with the chair?  I’m going to be really honest – that bitch is still laying on her side about 1 foot inside the patio door.  I wanted to put it in my bedroom but I’m scared now I won’t be able to get it through the door and then it will be a whole other fiasco so I think it might end up staying in the living room unless I lure someone over who is confident he can get it my bedroom.  I will reward such greatness with some kind of baked good  – just in case you would like to volunteer!

Tomorrow is a very exciting day.  I decided to get a new mattress pad for my bed before I put the new sheets on it and the new duvet.  So tomorrow, Thursday, the mailman will be bringing me my new mattress pad and shower curtain.  As soon as it gets here, I can put my bed together with all the new bedding and I am very excited.  I am also excited about my shower curtain.  It has a rainbow of fishes on it.  Once everything is in place, I’ll post some pictures.

I’m off to get some rest and try to finish the Thorn Birds before all the excitement tomorrow!

 

Quick follow up on the kitchen light – I am not controlling it with my thoughts and I do not have a ghost.  I talked to the maintenance people about it, apparently humidity can affect the light when the ballast is going bad.  Guess I’m not as psychic as I thought.  I am also relieved to know that I don’t have a ghost.

So on to the exciting stuff.  Since my mother has a birthday coming up this week, I went to visit my family.  I had some business to take care of and got down their about 5 on Saturday armed with movies, fresh bread from Clausen’s and really important supplies from the dollar store like cutting paper ( construction paper) for Eddie.

As is usual now, when I visit, I sleep at Jessica’s house and since I was coming back with her in the morning, there was really no point in taking two cars home, so I rode home with her and Poppy and Josie, the poodle.  On the way home, we had to stop at the store and I decided to wait in the car with Josie.  So my sister wasn’t gone even 3 minutes and someone opens the door to the backseat.  It was not my sister.  It was some other lady that thought my sister’s car was hers.  Now it’s one thing if you go to the wrong car and no one sees you, but Josie and I both saw what happened.  Let’s just say the lady was really surprised to open the car door and have such a beautiful dog staring back at her.  And seriously, how did she not notice me sitting in the front seat, I’m not child sized???  Needless to say, Jessica was quite upset about this incident because she was afraid the dog could’ve gotten out the car and started running and possibly gotten hurt.  Luckily, all’s well that ends well.

There are 5 different love languages.  My sister Jessica’s is giving gifts.  When I arrived at her house, she gave me a new pink and white duvet cover for my bed and pretty new sheets for my bed.  I can hardly wait to get up tomorrow and put it all together.  To be honest, after the chair incident that you read about below, I’m done with today.

I’m friends on Facebook with a girl I went to high school with that we will call Sarah Hotchkiss.  ( I did not change her name)  Sarah is trying to declutter her home in preparation for a move to a new home. ( side note – if you are looking to purchase a nice home in Janesville, I can hook you up )  During this process, she posted a picture of a chair she was selling on Facebook and for some reason, every time I saw the picture, I was drawn to the chair.

So Sarah and I message back and forth and long story short, no one bought the chair at her rummage sale, so it was clearly meant to be mine and this was the day I was going to get it.  Now, before I went to get it, I had her send me some measurements because I never got my shit together in time to go get it with Steve’s pick up before he moved out, and so I had to bring it home in the Durango.  Let me just say, I have brought home more than one chair from East Troy as well as a sectional sofa in said Durango.  So really, I didn’t bother to measure the opening, I just felt confident that it would fit.  I was wrong.  So after about 30 minutes of Mike trying to come up with some way to get it all in the car and politely listening to the helpful suggestions of Sarah and myself, we agreed that the tailgate just wasn’t going to close.  Mike provided me with what are probably the last of his bungee straps because apparently Sarah includes them with furniture sales at rummage sales to close the deal.  We get the gate tied down – Mike offers some helpful advice like “it’s night time – if the chair falls out – just shut the tail gate, drive off and let us know, we’ll send you your money back.”

I’m in Janesville at this point, knowing that the best  ( and quickest) way home is the interstate, with a speed limit of 70 MPH where people think 85 is too slow most days.  So I successfully make it to the interstate, pull in the right lane and do a super annoying 65 mph all the way to the beltline.  I get on the beltline and make it home without the chair falling out or the tailgate swinging open.  Did I mention though that my interior dash lights were off the whole way home because I had to turn them off to get the dome light off?  – Note to self, duct tape down the sensor next time – So I get home and pull in and there are no good spots open, however, all of Mike’s handy work was still place!!!  I pull up by the door, run in to unlock the door, grab scissors ( to cut the twine backup tie down) and open the patio door so that I can get the chair in.  I would also like to note here that the chair is awkward to move alone and of course, not a single neighbor I talk to was awake.  I bear hug it in half the way and then kind of pivot/roll it on one of the legs the rest of the way.   I get to the patio door and then this happens:

I try and try to get it in, the whole time getting more and more frustrated.  Did I also mention I needed to go the bathroom this whole time?  I was so out of ideas, I literally considered calling the non-emergency police line and asking if anyone was in my neighborhood who could pop over and help.  I decided to walk away for second and move my car into an actual parking spot, during which time the cat suddenly grew a set of balls and ends up outside. I scare him back in with a rock and I come into the apartment through the hallway hoping that I can just pull the chair in and sure enough, I was able to pivot it enough to get it in at that point.  The chair is safely in my living room now.  However, the cat once again took advantage of this situation to go outside but this time got two apartments away.  Finally, something scared him and he came running back in, but only after I had already ventured outside barefoot in a potential land mine area.  ( I live in a dog building)

All I have to say is this chair better be cozy.

 

So, sometimes things happen in life that are so weird, you think you are crazy.  About 2 or 3 weeks after I got home from my trip, the fluorescent light in the kitchen went on the fritz. (FYI – I have witnesses besides the cat) Sometimes it would light up all the way, sometimes only a very little bit (like horror movie style), sometimes there was just a lot of flickering (you know, disco style).  I called the apartment office and put in a work order two weeks ago and asked them to come after noon the next day to fix it (to be honest, I wasn’t sleeping well and didn’t want to take any chances with them waking me up too early) and no one ever came.  In the meantime, wanting to avoid both feeling like being in a horror film and having a seizure, I stopped turning on the kitchen light.  Yesterday morning, I was in the mood to get stuff done so I called the office and was all like, please come fix my light.  No one has been here yet, but the light is suddenly lighting at its full potential.  I find this so interesting because the bright light seems to coincide with the end of my pity party.  I’m starting to feel better, relaxed and more at ease.  Everyone was right, getting his stuff out of here is awesome.  It’s all mine now.  I have no idea what happened with the light in the kitchen but I can only think it is some kind weird thing like that plant in the movie ET.

Back to the pity party.  I think for the most part it’s over.  I’m not saying I might not have a hormonally related relapse, but right now, I’m feeling like it’s behind me.  I have re-arranged the dining room such that I can sit at my cleaned off table with the placemats on it for meals which is amazing.  I sat there this morning and drank coffee (half decaf/half Starbucks instant caramel latte) after breakfast while reading the Thorn Birds.  In what world would I ever have done anything so decadent before?  (on a side note- this is the first time I’m reading the Thorn Birds and I have never seen the movie- please don’t ruin it for me- I’m up the part where Mary Carson dies and Father Ralph moves away) I’m starting to feel like myself again and at home here – almost like what it was before never was.  I’ve been waking up well before my alarm goes off (like somewhere between 6 and 7am) and I’m not napping really.  Now, I’m not foolish enough to think that there won’t be moments where I will be sad or lonely but I’m hoping that those will be less and less with each passing day.

I’m going to wrap this up with one question – just how many painters does it take to paint an entry door at an apartment complex?  Because I have literally seen 2 vans pull up and at least 6 different fellows!

 

 

 

 

 

So I’m officially a single lady living alone.  I have no beer in the fridge, no Axe in the shower.  Still only 1 cat.

It’s day 2 of what I’m calling the new normal and I although I am sad, I had a thought today.  What good is sad going to do me?  I would like to mention that this thought came to me while sitting on the candy chair.   Candy Chair you might ask?  Yes, candy chair.  It’s the most comfortable piece of furniture I own, with an ottoman and a small table next to it with a basket of candy.  Complete and total decadence.  You can’t have a candy chair when you live with other people.  They steal your candy and interrupt your playing of internet scrabble.  So back to thoughts on sadness.  You can’t change what is done, I have no choice but to move forward and live my life, one step at a time.

In case you were wondering, I’ll back up a bit and tell you that the final move out was sad because I had had so many hopes when moved in together.  I had really thought I was settled and most of life’s big questions were answered.  I was so wrong.  We joke at my mom and dad’s house about each of us girls having a different colored dot to put on things so when my parents do die,there is no fighting over who gets what.  I think this might also be a good idea the next time I move in with someone.  I’m going to get some tiny colored dots and just put them on all my things, that way, there is no is this yours or is this mine?  I can be all like does it have a pink dot?

I am going to be so honest now.  I know that being sad and wallowing in said sadness isn’t going to help me but I feel lost and without an anchor and I know that time will make it better but I just spent the last however many years of my life worried about what other people needed and I just miss it all.  I miss knowing that someone will be home Friday night and I will get to sleep next him.  I miss knowing someone will notice if I didn’t do laundry.  I miss knowing exactly which person to call when I wake up in the morning and when before I go to bed at night.  More than sad, I am lonely in a very awful way and I am trying so hard so just ignore it and keep moving forward but it is exhausting.  and what’s more exhausting is that I feel like I should have this behind me and then that brings me back to the point of asking what is sadness going to get me?  It’s a vicious cycle.

So on the upside of things, all my peeps safely weathered Irma and I even got to have a nice chat with one of my cousin’s girls today.  Also, just to summarize, I have a candy chair.  Sadness gets you no where.

 

 

Well, it’s here.  What is supposed to be the final move of his stuff out. The bulk of his belongings were taken yesterday so now there is just a half dozen or so boxes left, a couple random odds and ends and the stuff in storage.  He’s supposed to be here anytime now.  I’m not holding my breathe.  It could be hours knowing him.

When I am home alone, anything of his irritates the crap out of me and I want it gone but for some reason when the time comes for him to actually move things, I am so overwhelmed with sadness and disappointment that all I can do is cry.  I literally locked myself in my office and sobbed for like 15 minutes yesterday while he was loading stuff up.  But enough about that for now.

Now that  I will be living alone, this is providing me with an awesome chance to re-organize and re-decorate my way.  Inside my head, I have ideas how I want each room to be – furniture layout, decorating theme and so on.  Since I’ve been bitten by the travel bug, I want to decorate my living room in maps, globes and travel inspired things.  I’ve told most people who will listen I’m on the lookout for globes and man did I score yesterday.

My mom keeps reminding me that with all the changes, this is a good time for me to put into place new habits – so I’ve been trying to go out to breakfast on Saturday mornings – usually alone because it’s a great time to read The Thorn Birds ( for the first time ever so don’t spoil it for me!!).  Yesterday I got going a little later and so I called the the evil twin’s ex wife and we went for nachos and margaritas at like 1030 in the morning.  It was super fun.  I mean, who doesn’t need a little day drinking once in a while.  After we finished there, I was going to take advantage of her and her ability to park in the handicapped spots at Walmart ( oh come on, like you don’t wish you could park there on a Saturday).  On the way to Walmart, we drove past a house with a yard sale sign and like 6 globes in the yard.  We turned the car around and went back.  I ended up with a beautiful old globe that lights up when you touch the base – bright, brighter, and brightest.  The man made sure to plug it in for me to show me how it lit up.  We were chatting and I asked him how he came to have so many globes.  He told me that he used to have a collection but with sadness said that he was moving somewhere else soon.  I was so excited about the globe that after he said that I looked at him and asked him if I could hug him.  He looked surprised at first and then said it’s been a long time he’s had a hug.  I hugged him and thanked him 3 more times for the globe.  It really is quite lovely and I love knowing that it was someone’s treasure – I’ll make sure to treat it as such.

After scoring the globe, it really sucked the fun out of the Walmart trip because how do you compete with that, plus they didn’t have a latch hook hook.  But I got toilet paper so that was a win.

Today wasn’t much of a fun day.  I’ve been watching the internet to keep an eye on my peeps in Florida.  I watched a Lifetime movie for the first time in years.  I cleaned and fixed up my kitchen.  I now have a sweet ocean view on my wall. Thanks to Amazon, I bought this really cool wall decal that looks like a window open to look at the beach and ocean.  I was hoping to would make the kitchen feel less closed in.  I also hung up my new kitchen towels that I ordered from Shutterfly with pictures of the Gulf of Mexico on!

I love the movie Hope Floats.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s normal to be sad and scary about starting new things but if I can just sit here quietly with all that, it will be ok!

One of the best parts of moving around all my stuff as I am slowly able to stretch into every corner of the apartment is that I have been finding “treasures” that I had forgotten about.

One such treasure is a sweet 4X6 bright orange notebook I brought myself ( or was it a gift from someone who knows my love of the list book???) that literally says on the front WAKE UP & BE AWESOME.  I think that’s a great idea and it is going to be my new motto.  All over things aside, tomorrow, I’m going to WAKE UP & BE AWESOME.

I have also found a lot pictures that I forgot I had from when I was younger of me and my sister and mom and dad.  Its so weird to look at them now and see little Eddie and Alice’s faces in ours when we were kids and the faces of my sisters and I in my younger parents.

There is so much turmoil right now, floods, fires, political issues that I think we all need a minute to remember that no matter what happens, time still marches on.  That is certain, we can’t stop it, so we might as well make the best of it. Wake up  each day and plan to be awesome.  Take a moment to be kind to someone.

There still are some areas that I have not been able to go through because He has not completely moved out yet because apparently 4 months wasn’t enough time pack.  ( dick move if you ask me)  He was however gracious enough to let me know that he left totes in his truck if I want to pack more of his things this week while he was gone.  Seriously.  I’m not making it up.  I can show you the text message.

I was informed late last night that He finally got an apartment and should be out for good this weekend.  I woke up this morning feeling like a huge weight had been lifted, there is a finally an end to this.  The hard part is I just wish there was some way for him to understand how cruel his actions were and how much he hurt me.  But in order for that to happen, he would still have to care about me and that is the hardest part.  Accepting that after knowing someone for 7 years, having a life with them, sharing secrets, hopes,  dreams and fears, they just don’t give a rat’s ass about you anymore is really hard because, for me, I would never do that.  I mean I literally fretted for 2 weeks about him not having a can opener in his kitchen boxes I packed because we only had one and it was pink.  Like seriously it bothered me to the point that one of my friends had to talk me down.  And so knowing that, I know that this separation is the best thing for me and once it’s actually done, I can get some closure and not be reminded every day of what once was.  And I will no longer be burdened with trying to make someone happy who is impossible to please and selfish.  I just have to worry about me.  Well and Larry.  The cat.  No, I’m not becoming a crazy cat lady.  I’ve had him forever. For real, I’m not getting more cats.  Well, maybe not….