Hey,when did that happen?

This morning I was sitting at my desk with a fancy sweater over my jammies actually working and making the day my bitch.  ( in case you were wondering about the outfit choice, I am committed to showering before I get dressed and I just haven’t got there yet, but I was chilly, hence the sweater)  I was singing along to Pandora and just generally feeling ok.  I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m ok.  Maybe even leaning a bit towards happy.

Looking back over the last many months, I realize how lucky I am.  Although it sucked and hurt I was released from an incredibility suffocating situation.  I feel like I can breathe again. I feel loved. I feel like I can paint any future I want now.

You were right.  I was promised I would wake up one day and it would be better.  It is  not because I found someone new.  I found me.  And I’m pretty awesome.  Oh and I’m not alone, I have a cat and all of you.

Back on the horse, just like riding a bike…whatever

So at some point, you have to re-engage with the dating world if you don’t want to have your only joy in life be a new episodes of the Kardashians.  ( I admit it, I love those girls)  Even though I still don’t feel 100% ready to start something new, one of my friends thought it might not be a bad idea to put myself back out there if for no other reason to rake in the compliments and know that I can probably find someone else.

It’s been an interesting 24 hours.  I have seen not just 1 but at least 3 profile pictures of men holding chickens and I’m not on just farmers.com.  Do they think it’s a tongue in cheek way of having a cock pic out there or do they really get into chickens?  Either way, I just go right past those. Gross

I had a rather bland conversation with a man last night who was trying to figure out how to hit me up for a booty call without being gross.  We literally talked about the rain and the travel channel and then he starts asking about bed.  Let me tell you – “I need to find some way to get tired before I go to bed” is not very subtle. Gross.

There was one rather interesting man who literally lists his love of cheese in his profile.  I sent him a message before bed last night letting him know he had the exact quality I was looking for.  If nothing else, I’m always looking for more cheese eating friends.  He did however have a full beard and at first glance reminded me of a younger version of my dad.  That’s not good.  People say you end dating people like your parents, but part of the fun of dating is taking a good year or so to figure that out.  Knowing it right out the gate is weird. Also Gross.

I woke up this morning to messages from 2 men who were very direct and wanted to “get to know me better” and “get together for a drink and talk”.  Mr. Get to know me better  is really good at “weekends”.  Gross.  Mr. get together for a drink is really good at cleaning and can’t live without run.  A neat freak who runs on purpose.  Now, I’m not going to say gross, but yeah…..

The highlight though is from the guy who sent me a message this morning with some actual intelligent writing and said I was “hottie”.  He does get style points.

So to summarize, Gross. Gross. Gross. Ah man. Oh, he thinks I’m pretty.

 

Do you know what day it is?

Happy Hump Day!!

So when you start thinking about what you may have been giving up, it’s probably a good idea to think about what I have gained by having all this extra time to myself that was previously allocated to the care of other people.  By far, one of the best things is the time I have been spending with the kids of my sisters.  I’ve slept over and “camped” out in the living room with 3 year old Eddie, watched Trolls many times with Allie and watched Poppy settle in and become more at home and enjoy her new environment.  I know that I am biased but these kids are really the cutest ever and spending time with them is quite cool.  Before, I never could justify spending that much time away from home because there was always so much to do and I wanted to spend time with he who’s name is no longer spoken.  There is no way to explain the joy you get from helping your 3 old nephew prank your sister on the phone.   I mean seriously, look at these kids!

At home, things are starting to really feel settled except for the living room.  I did finally turn the chair over so that it was in the proper sitting position as it is my only piece of non-fold able furniture in that room.  I think it compliments the card table TV stand nicely.  I do have furniture coming but I was waiting for the carpets to be cleaned first, so now that I have clean carpets, the furniture will come and it will all be put together.

Well meaning people ask questions like how are things, how are you doing and I’m not sure how to answer them. I mean, I say I’m doing good and truthfully each day is getting easier but every once in a while, something out of the blue hits me and I feel like I’m back at square one.  I had some brake trouble the other day and that started like a 4 day pity party about being alone.  The hard part is, as I’m sure most other people have experienced too, the smart part of you knows its not a big deal, it’s just a bump in the road and you can handle it.  The emotional part of you however, goes haywire and freaks out, not only about this situation but every possible situation in the your life where being without that person will be different and goes into like a level 10 meltdown.  The upside of all of this is that I know that I am not a cold heartless bitch because I clearly feel things very deeply.  Also, now I have had all 4 of my brakes looked at and I have a break pedal like I haven’t had in years so I’m feeling pretty brave about going out and exploring on my own even in places with traffic.  I’ve been pretty antsy to get out take some pictures and I think this weekend that just might happen.