So I’m sitting here tonight, stuck and as I was laying in bed, unable to sleep, I thought, I bet the sweet peeps who read my blog wonder if I have hurt all my typing fingers or just some. Like I did to try to make sense of all the feelings that have surfaced in the past months, I thought maybe bringing you up to speed would help.
I’m not good at being alone yet. I miss being part of a “we”. Now, before you dive into your well meaning “advice” about how I need to be okay on my own before I consider getting involved again, I’d like to tell you a story.
I have a friend named Nancy. ( her real name) One day we were talking and she was expressing some normal martial annoyance and very well meaning, I gave her some advice. The advice was, just overlook being annoyed, welcome him home from work with a big hug and kiss and be the bigger person. I called her about 3 months later and apologized for giving her shitty advice because I was in a similar situation as hers, months previous and there was no way I was going to be the bigger person. The moral is – it’s really easy to see what someone else should do/needs to do/really ought to do when it’s not you.
So basically, enough with the talks about being ok on my own. I’ll get there in my own time.
Frankly, I’ve spent a fair amount of time dreading the holidays this year. But then I finally decorated my tree the other night and got to see all my favorite Christmas treasures I hadn’t seen in years because somehow, “someone” could never find all the Christmas boxes and once my living room was all decked out in blue and white and silver, with things I haven’t seen in so long, but loved, I started to almost look forward to Christmas. So, while there will be moments where I will be misty missing what had become normal the past years, life goes on and there are no do-overs, so I might as well enjoy it.
So last I left you, I dangled the carrot of a potential date with Kyle. He is a nice guy, I’ve seen him twice and I like him. He works a lot, has been sick twice and had a major family situation all since Thanksgiving. (In case you were wondering, I have independently verified all these events) It’s weird going from talking to someone hours a day and spending all your time thinking about your life together to just seeing someone occasionally. I would be lying if I didn’t admit, I was having some trouble with the transition and honestly, I probably come across pretty needy, but he seems nice enough to pretend to not notice/care. We’ll just have to see what happens.
I do know this, my wanderlust is coming back in a bad way. Although I have been planning a trip for April, I don’t know if I can wait that long. I keep fantasizing about going somewhere warm between Christmas and New Year’s and feeling the sun while I swim in a sweet outdoor pool. I’ll have to see what the next weeks bring and who knows, I might be out in the world again before you know it.