I know that I have been a bit lackadaisical in writing regularly as of late and I am sorry. It’s hard for me to admit when I hit a rough patch and so instead of admitting it, I just “forget” to write.
I have to say, I think February is the cruelest of all the months. The days are short, there is a lot of ice here in Wisconsin (well, it’s almost all gone now) and did I mention it’s cold? It’s really hard to start upbeat under those conditions. Luckily, March is only a few short days away, the days are getting longer, the ice is melting and it was almost 50 degrees today. I have survived another winter. And as a reward, I get to go to Florida in April.
Last time I left you, I was seeing Andy. So we’re almost at the 2 month mark now and it is so weird to think it’s been months already since I met him – granted it’s just two, but still, months. It’s hard being a new relationship because the last one was pretty long and at the end, we knew each other, good and bad. We knew how to push each other’s buttons and how to comfort each other. At two months, you are lucky if you remember someone’s middle name and so it’s so different and hard not to expect the new person to pick up where the last one left off. It’s frustrating at times that they don’t just “know” things about you and what you need and want. But the flip side of that is that you also have a chance to change the script and set the tone from the beginning about what you need and want instead of trying to “fix” it later.
Andy is still sweet and nice. He brought me roses for Valentine’s day. He rubs my back when I’m tired without me having to ask. He is even wise enough that he made his way onto a jury this week.
I have a birthday in March and that always causes me to take stock of where I am in my life and things I still want to do and see. It is funny. I’m going to be 43 this year – I know, I don’t look it, right?- and I found a few more gray hairs in the mirror tonight. It’s funny isn’t it – how life just happens, even if you’re not ready for it? Even if you just a moment to come up with a new plan.
The thing that surprises me the most about being this age is that I don’t feel it and can’t believe I am actually this old. When I was a kid, I felt like a kid and I just assumed that when you were a grown up, you would feel like a grown up and you would somehow feel different inside. And sure, I brush my teeth without being told now and naps are a treat instead of torture, but really, I don’t feel that different. I wonder if that’s not because you carry your whole life with you. I mean, I am somehow still a six year old with her new Lemon Meringue doll, a twelve year getting her first period, an eighteen year old excited and scared about college, a twenty five year old thinking I have life all figured out, a thirty five year old thinking I really had life all figured out now for real and I was in love and an almost 43 year old realizing that there is no point trying to figure it all, because there is no rhyme or reason to any of it. I am all of these people at once – point of clarification – I don’t mean in a Sybil way – and so it’s really hard to actually wrap my head around 43. Especially because 6 year old me thought I would be a doctor working at McDonald’s on my lunch breaks. Twelve year, eighteen year and twenty five year old me thought I would be married and in a house with kids, so did thirty five year old me.
But see, that’s what I mean, there is no rhyme or reason. Here I sit, almost 43, not married, no kids and I’m trying to be OK with that. I am going to tell you what I do have – hope and joy and love and security. So although the picture is so much different that I am imagined, I’m ok with it because if I’m not, I miss my whole life wishing it were something else instead accepting what it is and basking in it – good, bad and ugly- and sometimes getting to that place takes a minute – or most of February.