Month: June 2018

I can hardly believe it, it’s almost July already.  Where does the time go?

I feel like life has just been moving and kind of just happening. I was thinking about how this time last year, I was in Florida, in the middle of my big adventure and how different everything was.  I was so sad and the hurt was so fresh and Steve still had to move out and I had no idea how the dust was going to settle.  I knew if I could just wait through the ups and downs, I would get to the other side and feel whole again, but just because you know something, doesn’t make it easy to do.

When I get stuck, I always think of my friend/freshman college roommate Nancy.  I remember there were times in college when I would just be so overwhelmed and I would say to her, “I wish I could just go to sleep for like 2 years and wake up and this all would be better.”   and she would say something nice.  So fast forward a few years, now we’re like 21, and again, overwhelmed, I say to her “I wish I could just go to sleep for like 2 years and wake up and this all would be better.” and she looked at me and reminded me of how I had said the same thing years ago and sure enough, now, all those things I had worried about were better and this new trouble would too pass.  Time really is an important part of healing – whether you get over something or even just through it, time helps you gain the grace and wisdom you need to move forward – one tiny step at a time.

I’ve given up on the online dating for now.  I mean, some guy called me a flake because I did not instantly respond to his messages.  Also, he was unable to participate in small talk.  He had like 3 sentences – “can you send me more pictures?”, “when are going to meet?” and some other random one word response to any question I asked. And the truth is, I don’t even want to to date right now because I don’t want to share my space.  I don’t mean just physically – although sleeping in the middle of the bed and always holding the remote is pretty awesome – I mean, it’s nice to not be accountable to anyone but me.  My sister’s little one got sick and couldn’t go to daycare – no problem, I packed up and was there.  I can be as cranky as I want, as outgoing as I want – I don’t have to worry about walking on eggshells and it’s actually pretty awesome.

I have noticed that people around me, at times say some pretty awesome stuff, so I’ve been trying to jot it down so I can share it – these are two most recent favorites:

A friend telling me the story of him and his wife: “I knew where she was going that night, I went to the bar, we hooked up and we’ve been together ever since” – I just like how simple it was because love always seems to be so messy.

I’m iming with a friend one day and we were talking about a bunch of different things –

Me: (complaining about PMS): my boobs hurt

Her: Because of the chicken?

Obviously two different conversations overlapped there, but just the same, it was hilarious at the time.

Look at me, laughing about chicken making boobs hurt.  Who ever thought I would get back here?

 

So this past weekend, I gathered up some of my favorite bitches for our annual camping trip.  I use the term camping loosely because, just like last year, we did not like what we saw in the weather forecast, cancelled the camp site and made it a slumber party at my house. Both nights, it thunder stormed and it rained most of Sunday so ditching the camping was really a great call.  See actual Doppler screen shots below.

I had been really looking forward to this weekend pulled out some of my best party tricks including grown- up Jell-O, a table of cups/plastic silverware/paper plates and the disco ball.  As you can see from the picture above, I made 2 tone jell-o – orange on the bottom, strawberry banana on the top and Malibu spiked through out.  MMMMMMMMM

Did I mention we also had a little bit to drink?  Now, if you know me at all, you know that I am not much of a drinker anymore.  Well, I’ll save you all the gory details but let’s just say, I should be good for another decade.

Much like what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, I don’t want to share too much, but I will however share the following things, taken 100% out of context, by different people through out the weekend.

“I can’t squat and clench! Help me”

“You hurt me with a spoon.”

“When I caught him cheating online, I secretly wished she was really a big ugly man with no teeth.”

” I thought we were going swimming”

“I thought we were going swimming”

“I thought we were going to the pool”

” I didn’t put makeup on, I AM this pretty”

“I’ve got $9.75 in quarters…”

” We need liquor for coffee, can I wear my nightgown to the liquor store?”

” Doesn’t this Amaretto smell so good, it could be perfume?”

“Did you get the buns in the oven yet?”

“I thought we were going swimming”

“Can you keep on eye on that one?”

“Is that all the Captain left?”

I think that pretty much gives you an accurate picture.  I’m not going to lie, there are some videos, but those are not for public consumption.  But seriously, after such a weird up and down year, it was nice to let go and have some fun with my friends, maybe drink a tiny bit too much, enjoy the disco ball and be silly.  I would highly recommend it.  Also, we take bribes if you want to try to get in with our group for next year.

 

 

 

 

 

So I have this friend who has the cutest conversations with her husband and she often shares them with us on Facebook in what I like to call a Me/Not Me style.

When putting one’s self on the internet for dating, you can not be naive enough to believe that everything you  read is real.  I mean, MTV has a whole TV show about the fakers called Catfish.  ( It’s great by the way)  For those of you who are not subjected to dating in this cyber age, catfishing is when you pretend to be someone else on the internet, usually to hide something or try to scam people.

A lot of catfishers are foreigners and they are getting pretty easy to spot – usually their English is a no good or they trip up.  I would now like to share with you two of my favorite conversations this week.  I decided to just say whatever I wanted, and completely disengaged my filter.  It was amazing.

Player 1’s profile: nice ,love the life and love to make the others happy,I love to exercise, try new things, to be adventurous……I can’t see it when you like me…so send me a message!

Player 1: Hi Jennifer, I’m glad we like each other

Player 1: U have a such cute face

Player 1: Your profile doesn’t give me much to go off of. How do your like to spend your time? What you like in your partner’s life?

Player 1: Good morning 🌞🌞

Me: Good afternoon

Player 1: Hi 👋,How is your day?

Me: Better now that sun has decided cooperate.

Player 1: Nice, are you working now?

Me: Allegedly. I work from home. The sun came out. I need to get like a solid 45 minutes in and then I’ll go back to work. How about you?

Player 1: I’m not? What you do for work? And can you tell me a little bit about you please

Me: I manage a service company that is out of state. and more about me – well, what do you want to know. My blond hair and big boobs attract all the players who already have wives who don’t put out or who are just looking to hook up – you know- hit it and quit style and seem to be put off by my desire for , what I like to call, “the boyfriend experience” or the fact that I don’t look like Pamela Anderson from top to bottom. I’m all for keeping things causal in the right situation, but I’ve kind of outgrown the straight up booty call and would at least appreciate the effort of some conversation during a mid-grade movie. Also, I’m a republican, I eat meat, I only recycle like 80% of the time, I think tea is nasty, coffee is good, I like to spend time in the pool at the gym, I bought a list book off Amazon today that says on the front “people I want to punch in the throat” in gold, I drink diet coke like it’s going out of style and I actually like tent camping

Player 1: So are you interested to meet together?

Me: let’s meet separate

Player 1: I don’t catch what you mean?

20 minutes later

Player 1 :I’m free tonight if you wanna to meet?

 

Poor player 1 – I’m never gonna wanna to meet together or separate

So then there are these other guys that try to hit you up all over Facebook, Instagram and dating sites to be your “friend” and they say they are in the military.  Now, anyone who knows anything about the US Military and the rivalry between the branches will clearly see the red flag in this next conversation.

Player 2’s profile: humble and gentle man to the call

Player 2: Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside? I would like to know more about you and how do you feel about a uniform man?

Me: By uniform do you mean exactly perfect or a UPS man?

Player 2: army…how are you doing today?

Me: Well, its not the marines but its better than the coast guard

Player 2:  where are you from originally and how long have you been on this site?  <–  Big red flag – he should have been all over me dissing the Army and immediately made a crack about the Air Force

Now I know that you might think that some of this is mean and you know, could I just ignore them, sure, but then you wouldn’t get to enjoy this too!  And just for the record, I am nice to the nice ones who seem real because you never know who you might meet.

My poor sister on the other hand has a special “dating” situation of her own.  Many years ago, like I want to say at least 10 years ago, she went out on like 3 dates, maybe 4 or 5 with this guy she met through my dad.  We’ll call him Larry Buscar ( not his real name) and he has a local business and did some work for the my dad and then at my sisters house and asked her out.  In poor Larry’s defense, my sister tried to ghost him before it was even a thing and he just couldn’t take a hint.  She really should have just said, “hey – this ain’t gonna happen” but whatever – to each their own.  So like this guy would ask people who kind of knew my sister at work about her if he knew they worked in the same place – he would call from time to time etc.  So fast forward to June 2018 and my dad, who has continued to use Larry for work from time to time, has him take care of something and while he’s at my parent’s house, Larry tells my dad he never got over my sister.  Larry, it’s been 10 years, let it go!  But here’s the thing, so now, he wants to help my dad with all this shit around the yard because he is hoping to run into my sister because he thinks he is in love with her – so this is working out great for my folks, not so good for Larry.  So as my mom is telling me this story, I say, someone needs to tell him that “somethings you don’t get over, you just get through and move on.”

I know what you’re thinking, maybe we could just pull a sister swap and I could become the object of Larry’s affection since I am clearly interested in dating.  Yeah, we’re not twins and he’s not my type so I don’t think that will work.  It’s not a bad idea though.

Oh and just one more thing – if you do consider internet dating – here is a list of things that do not belong in your profile pictures:

1. Your childern
2. Your ex- wife
3. Other random women without an explanation
4. Your parents
5. Farm animals
6. Cartoon characters

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it’s been nearly 18 hours and I have not heard from John Cena’s people yet.  I’m not going lie, it’s a little disheartening, but it is the weekend so I suppose I should be patient.  I just had a thought though – maybe I’m going about this all wrong – he is a spokesperson for Hefty – maybe I try to get to him through them.  I will ponder that later today in the pool.  The inside pool because suddenly we’re having season appropriate weather and it is not warm enough to swim outside.

So just for fun, last week, I thought it might be ok to re-activate my profile on OKCupid. (slapping self in forehead right now)  As you will recall from last time, it is not really the cream of the crop out there,what do you expect, it’s free.  People who have communicated with me include a guy who had a picture of himself with a goat and could only reply using less than 4 words at a time; a guy who is a truck driver and when I told him I’ve already seen that show and explained about all the time I spent in the truck with Steve, the lunch packing etc, he proceeded to ask me if I wanted to come with him and when I said no, I’m done packing lunches, he responded with “I don’t need a lunch, I have a microwave” – totally missing my bigger point (rolling eyes all the way back into my head); a guy was clearly only interested in sex and asked repeatedly for a picture of my boobs, to which I responded, “you know what, why don’t I send you a picture and you have to guess if it’s my boobs or my ass?” and he was all excited – not getting my sarcasm and then like half an hour later sends me a message saying ” so I guess you were joking about the pics?” – you think?

Now at this point, the smart, rational person would have said fuck this shit and given up, but oh, not this foolish girl.  And I was rewarded for my stick-it-out-ness, with Andy 2.0, a smart, witty, carb eating non-vegan, cute 45 year old single man who is fluent in GIF,which is totally compatible with my native languages of sarcasm and meme.  We proceeded to have a lovely, witty online communication with the proper use of capitalization, spelling and punctuation.  We had such a nice time, we decided to talk on the telephone and after about an hour and half, we made plans for Saturday night.  ( now, I know “The Rules” say I shouldn’t be available on short notice, but I thought it was going to be fun)  So I wake up, super excited Saturday morning, thinking about getting out the hedge trimmer to properly shave my legs and stuff, and I receive an electronic communication letting me know that since we had last spoke, some lady friend of his that has been a bit of a grey  area, expressed a desire for a romantic relationship over breakfast, which I like to imagine included flavored pancakes- probably fruity, and since this caused him some inner turmoil, he thought it was best to not meet me.  Being the classy lady I am, I wished him well – specifically, “an ending better than a Netflix movie” and when he thanked me for understanding, I disclosed that he was now blog material but I promised to shield his real identity from the public.

The thing is, I’m not desperate to find someone.  I’m perfectly happy with the way things are 97.3% of the time.  I just thought dating might be fun because Lori brainwashed me. I’m going to call my sister for some de-programming now, I’m done with this cult.

 

I like to consider myself a pretty practical, grounded person for the most part.  I remember in third grade, Maya and Lisa having all these Michael Jackson pictures in their desk because they had crushes on him.  Bailey went through a Keisha/Selena Gomez phase and I’m pretty sure my friend Lori still has a picture of either Tom Selleck or Mark Harmon on her fridge.

I do not know what has come over me, but I can not get enough John Cena.  Yes, he’s a wrestler, but he’s a person too!  And I don’t even watch the wrestling.  I love him in movies and on talk shows.  He has such personality and I’m not going lie, the final straw was the other day.  I was scrolling through Facebook, and there he was smiling at me from a Hefty ad.  That was it, I was hit bad by the hard core celebrity crush.  Like I screen shot the ad.  It’s on my desktop now and my phone.  So every time I unlock my phone, it’s like he’s smiling at me and I like to imagine him saying, “how you doin’?”  and I can’t help but smile back at him.

So then, totally not in a creepy way, I went on Pinterest and apparently there are some people out there crushing on him hard in a creepy way, like they have whole Pinterest boards dedicated to him.  He is so pretty,but I think it’s best to keep our one sided love affair private, so I just copied some of the best pictures to my phone for my personal viewing.

My friend sent me this today – 3 whole minutes of him – enjoy:

Now, before his people catch wind of this and think I am stalker – I’m not going to lie, I would love to have dinner with him, AS FRIENDS.  He’s been through a lot lately, I’ve been through a lot, I could probably give him some sage advice.  I have no idea where he lives.  I have no plan on finding out.  I also do not think he is talking directly to me via television, social media or directly in my head.  So basically, I am not mentally ill and not stalking him.  I just think he’s funny and so pretty and wouldn’t mind chatting.  Seriously though – if his people could contact me – that would be great.