So I have this friend who has the cutest conversations with her husband and she often shares them with us on Facebook in what I like to call a Me/Not Me style.
When putting one’s self on the internet for dating, you can not be naive enough to believe that everything you read is real. I mean, MTV has a whole TV show about the fakers called Catfish. ( It’s great by the way) For those of you who are not subjected to dating in this cyber age, catfishing is when you pretend to be someone else on the internet, usually to hide something or try to scam people.
A lot of catfishers are foreigners and they are getting pretty easy to spot – usually their English is a no good or they trip up. I would now like to share with you two of my favorite conversations this week. I decided to just say whatever I wanted, and completely disengaged my filter. It was amazing.
Player 1’s profile: nice ,love the life and love to make the others happy,I love to exercise, try new things, to be adventurous……I can’t see it when you like me…so send me a message!
Player 1: Hi Jennifer, I’m glad we like each other
Player 1: U have a such cute face
Player 1: Your profile doesn’t give me much to go off of. How do your like to spend your time? What you like in your partner’s life?
Player 1: Good morning 🌞🌞
Me: Good afternoon
Player 1: Hi 👋,How is your day?
Me: Better now that sun has decided cooperate.
Player 1: Nice, are you working now?
Me: Allegedly. I work from home. The sun came out. I need to get like a solid 45 minutes in and then I’ll go back to work. How about you?
Player 1: I’m not? What you do for work? And can you tell me a little bit about you please
Me: I manage a service company that is out of state. and more about me – well, what do you want to know. My blond hair and big boobs attract all the players who already have wives who don’t put out or who are just looking to hook up – you know- hit it and quit style and seem to be put off by my desire for , what I like to call, “the boyfriend experience” or the fact that I don’t look like Pamela Anderson from top to bottom. I’m all for keeping things causal in the right situation, but I’ve kind of outgrown the straight up booty call and would at least appreciate the effort of some conversation during a mid-grade movie. Also, I’m a republican, I eat meat, I only recycle like 80% of the time, I think tea is nasty, coffee is good, I like to spend time in the pool at the gym, I bought a list book off Amazon today that says on the front “people I want to punch in the throat” in gold, I drink diet coke like it’s going out of style and I actually like tent camping
Player 1: So are you interested to meet together?
Me: let’s meet separate
Player 1: I don’t catch what you mean?
20 minutes later
Player 1 :I’m free tonight if you wanna to meet?
Poor player 1 – I’m never gonna wanna to meet together or separate
So then there are these other guys that try to hit you up all over Facebook, Instagram and dating sites to be your “friend” and they say they are in the military. Now, anyone who knows anything about the US Military and the rivalry between the branches will clearly see the red flag in this next conversation.
Player 2’s profile: humble and gentle man to the call
Player 2: Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside? I would like to know more about you and how do you feel about a uniform man?
Me: By uniform do you mean exactly perfect or a UPS man?
Player 2: army…how are you doing today?
Me: Well, its not the marines but its better than the coast guard
Player 2: where are you from originally and how long have you been on this site? <– Big red flag – he should have been all over me dissing the Army and immediately made a crack about the Air Force
Now I know that you might think that some of this is mean and you know, could I just ignore them, sure, but then you wouldn’t get to enjoy this too! And just for the record, I am nice to the nice ones who seem real because you never know who you might meet.
My poor sister on the other hand has a special “dating” situation of her own. Many years ago, like I want to say at least 10 years ago, she went out on like 3 dates, maybe 4 or 5 with this guy she met through my dad. We’ll call him Larry Buscar ( not his real name) and he has a local business and did some work for the my dad and then at my sisters house and asked her out. In poor Larry’s defense, my sister tried to ghost him before it was even a thing and he just couldn’t take a hint. She really should have just said, “hey – this ain’t gonna happen” but whatever – to each their own. So like this guy would ask people who kind of knew my sister at work about her if he knew they worked in the same place – he would call from time to time etc. So fast forward to June 2018 and my dad, who has continued to use Larry for work from time to time, has him take care of something and while he’s at my parent’s house, Larry tells my dad he never got over my sister. Larry, it’s been 10 years, let it go! But here’s the thing, so now, he wants to help my dad with all this shit around the yard because he is hoping to run into my sister because he thinks he is in love with her – so this is working out great for my folks, not so good for Larry. So as my mom is telling me this story, I say, someone needs to tell him that “somethings you don’t get over, you just get through and move on.”
I know what you’re thinking, maybe we could just pull a sister swap and I could become the object of Larry’s affection since I am clearly interested in dating. Yeah, we’re not twins and he’s not my type so I don’t think that will work. It’s not a bad idea though.
Oh and just one more thing – if you do consider internet dating – here is a list of things that do not belong in your profile pictures:
- Your childern
- Your ex- wife
- Other random women without an explanation
- Your parents
- Farm animals
- Cartoon characters