Things I wonder about after watching TV.

So for years and years now, I have watched Young and the Restless. And I know it’s make believe but there is some stuff that you really can’t help but wonder about. For example, let’s discuss Adam Newman.

Adam, allegedly died in a fiery car accident/shooting situation years ago. Is magically saved, has some plastic surgery, resurfaces in his life where no one knows him and eventually every one knows it’s him with a new face. Fast forward a few years later, where he allegedly dies AGAIN in a big explosion. He’s dead for real this time right? Oh no, guess who’s back, with another new face? But this time, not just a new face, but also amnesia. Now these brings up several questions. 1) How many “new” faces can one person get in a lifetime? 2) What is the rate of amnesia incidents in the general population? 3) How does this rate compare to the rate of occurrence within a single soap opera? 4) Over all soap operas?

Ever notice how single people on TV and movies usually dine at a perfectly clean kitchen table set for one? As a single person, I feel I can speak for all of us when I call bullshit on that one. While I do eat breakfast at the table, it is not on a perfectly set spot complete with placement and cloth napkin in my lap. Like normal people, I often eat in front of the TV.

While we know people on TV rarely go to the bathroom, if ever, the bigger question is where does all the laundry go? Every day, some fancy non-polyester dress. Do they all have unlimited dry cleaning budgets? Who has time for that non-sense?

Friends. I watch it all the time. In almost every episode, in Monica’s apartment, there is a small chest with Hebrew writing on it. Does it mean something? Is it just a set piece like the big white dog or is there a story behind it?

When they serve meals on shows, is the food warm, do the people actually eat it? Because sometimes, it looks like they do. I just feel like after many takes, it might be gross or worse yet, they might get full or really thirsty.

And lastly, although I don’t want watch GOT, how awesome was that the internet went ape shit over a paper cup?

Sunday not so fun day

I had a big day yesterday. Transported a parrot cage, went to a birthday party for a three year old. Transported a pair of young chicks. ( baby chickens people and yes, I did seat belt their cage in and turn on the seat warmer) After successfully delivering the goods, I was home about 930 pm and called it a day with big plans to be oh so productive today.

So I woke up and got up about 9 and had a leisurely start to my day, had breakfast, Diet Coke and got ready to go pick up the groceries I had pre-ordered from the internet. I go to leave and my wallet is not in purse. I look around and I can’t find so I figure it’s got to be in the car, so I go to the car and no wallet, so I come back in, still no wallet, go back to the car a second time. I finally find it from the backseat wedged between the consul and the passenger seat. Crisis averted.

Now, this is just a quick trip to the grocery store, not even getting out of the car, I don’t comb my hair ( don’t worry- it’s in a “bun”), throw on my “good” sweatpants and a long top ( I skipped the bra, again, not getting out of the car) and don’t even give it a second thought. So I pull up to the store, turn my car off and call the magic number to summon the grocery fairy and within a few minutes, she arrives at my car with my diet coke, a bag of ice, shrimp that was an exceptional value and more fruit that I will throw out in two weeks when I have failed to eat it and it’s no longer good. She loads it all up, I press the button, the tailgate closes and she returns the store.

You can really blend in parked here for an hour….

This is when things get good. I am now ready to come home to cook my cheap shrimp for salads for the week and I go to start my precious Navigator and she makes a horrible noise and does not start. I stop turning the key and then wait a second and try again. There isn’t a bad noise this time, it just wont turn over. I try one more time and then, I know what I have to do. So I make my monthly call to AAA and request a tow.

Tow people call me almost instantly to let me know that someone will be on the way, however, they are all far away and it will take a bit, however, they are going to send a battery guy to rule that out. Did I mention I’m still parked in the get your stuff and get the hell out spot? So I’m waiting for the battery guy to arrive when the girl from the store comes out to see what’s going on and I tell her my car is broken. Awesome! The battery guy gets there, I try to start the car and he says, oh, yeah, that sounds like your battery, so I get my hopes up. He hooks up the jump pack and the car won’t start. Not even once out of the four times he had me try. So he’s like yeah, you’ve got to be towed. ( Thanks Captain Obvious)

My sweet ride home for the Navigator and I

I sit there about another 25-30 minutes waiting for the tow guy and finally he arrives. He’s nice, agrees its bad and gets to work on how he’s going to get it on the truck. So I say to him, “Can I just ride home in the car like they do in that Tom Cruise movie?” – (my sister later reminded me it was called Knight and Day) and he said, although it is legal in Wisconsin, it was against their company policy.

So I’m watching him get my car on the tow truck and I see two little kids watching very interestedly and their dad giving them a play-by-play. You’re welcome father of the year for the free entertainment. Would it have killed him to give me a sympathetic nod? While my car is getting on the truck, the tow truck was blocking in these two older ladies and they were so nice and we were chatting it up. For some reason, they had no interest in purchasing my vehicle, but the one looks at me and goes, “now how are you going to get home?” Her concern was quite sweet actually.

Just a reminder in case you forgot, all this time, there is a bag of ice in the back of my car.

I rode home with the really nice lumberjackish tow truck driver and he delivered both me and my car safely home. Dare I say it, he might have even parked it better than I can when it’s running. My ice was not a total loss and the other groceries were just fine. Again, really glad I wore my good sweatpants today. Just wish I would’ve slapped on a bra. And maybe some fresh deodorant. And mascara. And lip gloss…..

Tomorrow, I will have it towed to get fixed. I don’t know exactly what is wrong, but I suspect either the starter or the timing belt. ( I will be setting up a gofundme soon – just kidding) The problem is, I’m obviously running out of AAA service calls, lucky for me, I have multiple roadside assistant plans, so I’m covered for tomorrow. It’s great not having a car payment, but seriously, this is getting old.

Adulting badge earned: Pap Smear

So I know that somethings are supposed to be private and we don’t talk about it, but well, you know me. Even though I can be a hypochondriac at times, doctor’s visits often cause me, like many people, a great amount of anxiety. After scheduling, canceling and rescheduling my physical more times than I can count, I went to today for my physical including the dreaded PAP smear, which was way overdue.

Luckily, I have a terrific Nurse Practitioner that is very kind and patient and kind of fun all in one. She answered all my questions and helped get me squared away on some issues. I know that some of this might be TMI, but there are a couple highlights I would to share – namely, our conversation about pubic hair fashion.

I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but I am dating now and would like to be “cool” so I say to Lauren, ” You see a lot of crotches right?” She says yes and then I go on to say, “well, I’m dating now and I’m wondering what is the current trend with pubic hair. Like are landing strips still a thing?” I’m pleased to report that landing strips and other novelty grooming seems to be gone while the Brazilian, trimmed and even the full bush seem to be where it’s at right now, as a matter fact, she commented that the bush seems to be coming back. So, in case you were wondering, that the latest in pubic hair fashion.

We also, took care of business including the dreaded Pap smear. I don’t know why, but I work myself up about them into a flat spin panic. Like I was sweaty and my heart was racing and then the crying started. I tell you this because apparently, I handled it much better than some women, although she might have just said that to make me feel better, and because no one talks about these things and how uncomfortable and unpleasant they can be both physically and mentally. Just indulge me for a second here – why is that men have a blood test for prostate cancer and women have to go through an uncomfortable invasive procedure to screen for cancer? [Full disclosure – I’ve been watching Call the Midwife again which really seems to shine a light on woman’s issues in their own way.]

So I did the grown up thing, even getting a tetanus booster while I was there and now, I should be good to go for the next three years, except for the mammogram and the trip to dermatology about a mole and who knows what else pops up… Seriously though – where’s my sticker?

You must do the things you think you cannot do – Eleanor Roosevelt

So if you know me at all, you know how annoyingly sentimental I can be at times and maybe about things that I shouldn’t be. Life is a series of milestones and events that change us in ways that you never imagine. With that in mind, today is the second anniversary of “break up day”

I feel like it needs to marked somehow because it was definitely a day that changed the course of my life and in most ways for the better. When I remember that time, I think about being devastated but more so, I think about the people around me and I know you’ve all heard this before, but it was a time where I never felt more loved.

My friends and family moved in so close and carried me until I was ok to stand on my feet on again. Instead of dwelling on the pain I went through, I really wish I had the words to tell them all, how much they mean to me. But words fail me because how to do you thank people for loving you so much when you needed it most.

So there a couple things I would like to remind you of today that I sometimes forget –

  1. Be kind to the people you encounter. You have no idea what they are dealing with.
  2. Change is really, really hard, but you will survive and although it’s scary, it’s usually for the best.
  3. Life is whizzing past us at warp speed. Make sure you are living it and not waiting for some arbitrary time or milestone to start enjoying it.
  4. You are a grown up too. Nobody gets to be the boss of you without your permission.

Maybe it’s the sunshine, maybe it’s my fancy dresser, maybe its some pill I take, maybe it’s my hormone levels for this 20 minutes or maybe its just how things are, but I am content, even happy, planning trips and overwhelmed with gratitude.

I have a really good reason, I promise

Oh Friends, I know it’s been like a month. I’m sorry. But see here’s what happened:

Have you heard of Influenza A? So I go home to visit my family the weekend of March 9th for my birthday ( march 13th in case you are sad you missed it) and my brother-in-law is kind of sick and there are kids there are well. Within a matter of days, my mom, both sisters and both nieces and me were all down sick. My one niece tested positive for influenza A at the Dr’s office, so I’m applying that diagnosis to myself as well.

I literally thought I was dying. All I did was cough and complain and as women of a certain age know, when you cough, other inconvenient things happen as well. I was mixing things you really shouldn’t mix to try to sleep and the cough was still breaking through. I’m so glad we live in a world where you can many things delivered. The coughing and wheezing lasted like 3 full weeks. I had to cancel my annual Birthday Extravaganza with my bitches. I will say these things now – blue cough medicine is magic, I fully endorse Vick’s Vapo-Rub as it provided me with much relieve and I’m still not 100% sold on getting a flu shot, however, I will update my tetanus booster this year. I’m not anti-vac, just anti flu shot for me – but that’s a topic for a whole different day.

But the good news is I’m all better now and have spent the last week working on redecorating my bedroom. There are three or four key parts to this project – on being the redoing of an ugly dresser. I am kicking myself right now for not taking a before picture but check out the after! It started out as a plain beigeish dresser and I painted it grey,wallpapered the fronts, sides and top and changed out the knobs. Not to pat myself on the back too much, but isn’t it SO pretty???

Now I just need to finish rearranging my furniture, hang my feather light and I think it will a Pinterest worthy bedroom. And have no fear, more pictures will follow.

Beam me up Scotty… I’ve had it with Captain Kirk

Winter can be boring and isolating and so I thought to myself, why not expose yourself to the hell that is internet dating. It’s always good for a story or two to entertain my friends.

I tend to look at my internet dating history in batches. So I dust off my profile, respond to messages from a bunch of guys , talk on the phone if their grammar is wooing enough and if they are appropriately charming and smart, I might even meet them, all the while shrinking the group at each step. It’s kind of like interviewing for a job. They submit an application, are screened, offered a phone interview, and if they are so very lucky, they get a real life interview and chance to meet me.

So in this most recent group, there was a guy who really stood out from the rest. We’ll call him Kirk ( not his real name btw). He caught my attention by using a creative opening line, making Asian driving jokes and generally being awesome. He was smart, funny, appeared to have his shit together and aside from a cowboy hat that need to go, was pretty adorable. Once we started talking, there was a click and we started talking more and more and he advanced to an in person interview.

We met for dinner at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants near my house even though it was an icy night and he lived on the other side of town. I, of course, was a few minutes late because well, I suck at time management. I arrived and was pleasantly surprised that he was cuter than his picture and had a Diet Coke waiting for me. ( on a side note, I wonder what kind of kick backs I could get if I changed my Facebook status to in a relationship with Diet Coke) He stood to greet me and gave the best warm hug. We ate dinner, talking non-stop the whole time and he even held my hand some. It was super nice. We eventually left the restaurant and he walked me to my car to make sure I didn’t break a hip on the ice.

I am not sure if this is TMI but well, who cares, it’s why you’re here. So I bring him home and we hang out, do some cuddling, so much more talking and a little smooching. – Full disclosure – it was part time roommate night, so I did technically have a chaperone that night. But when he left at 11:30, I was SMITTEN. I’m not going to lie, it felt nice.

So we talked everyday, texted, became Facebook friends, probably shared too much but generally just kind of rode the wave. I saw him again the next week and he ended up sleeping over and like last time, there was just so much cuddling and talking.

At this point, I start to think. I am starting to like him, but here’s the dirty secret. He was a fucking truck driver for Wal-mart and there was no way on God’s green/blue earth I was going to be party to that shit show again, so I don’t know what to do. I’m liking him more and more but I am also painfully aware that this situation is not at all what I want. So we’re talking that weekend and he makes some comment about how he’s not 100% sure the chemistry is there and I see an opening and try to politely and gently suggest he use it to no avail.

So I see him again. This time he brings dinner over and in what can only be called a genius maneuver, a case of Diet Coke and pie. Seriously? It’s like someone wrote a book called, “How to Woo J-Fo” and he was reading it. So. Much.Diet.Coke. And given my long history with leeches and losers, of course this impressed me. We had another lovely night of cuddling and talking. ( please tell me you understand what is/isn’t happening here – I don’t want to have to spell it out and then be embarrassed thinking my mom might actually read this one). He stayed most of the next day. We had coffee in the morning, he did his taxes while I worked, made me lunch. I know, it sounds fantastic. In Theory.

Another week goes by. More talking, texting, sharing of insane Facebook posts. However, by now, I’m kind of getting tired of hearing about every single house for sale in the state less than about $220, 000 that Zillow has to offer. And there was an incident that really bothered me. He was driving in the weather and went to deliver at a Wal-Mart store (obviously, he’s a Wal-Mart driver) and they wouldn’t let him in the dock door or answer the buzzer. So after some time he had to go into the store and ask the manager to have someone let him in and he calls me and tells me about this and the first thing out of his mouth was that the manager was the “fattest and ugliest” person and he goes on to tell the story repeating the phrase about this woman and frankly, it didn’t sit well with me.

Side note. Especially, when speaking to someone you allegedly “like-like” who is sensitive about that, do you think that maybe you could censor yourself a little? There are plenty of over ways to insult a person – lazy cock sucker, moron, fucking moron, lazy fucking cock sucking moron to just throw out a few- that are not so personally degrading and to me specifically, offensive.

So I let him rage on and vent and don’t say a word. We talk more. He scores me some Hostess Apple Strudel Coffee Cakes I was after. Comes over and tries to fix my toaster. Almost started a kitchen fire. We had a lovely night of more talking and cuddling. We go to sleep and then morning comes.

Morning, where we spent three hours in bed, talking and cuddling while he looked at his phone. At one point, we were spooning and he decided my breast would be the perfect place to rest his phone while looking at houses and showing them to me. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Finally, it’s decided that we’re going to get up and coffee and yada. Now I’m super annoyed with what didn’t happen and I may have made a snarky comment ( I know, me?? Can you even believe it?) and he responded by telling me that it was very hurtful. Like 47,000 micro-rejections over the last month weren’t? So I politely said that I didn’t think it was going to work out. I’ll spare you the play by play except for my favorite part, which I promise I am not making up.

We’re laying there wrapping things up and I did get a little teary. I had grown a little fond of this one. He looks at me and goes – I shit you not – “I hope you don’t cry for like 3 days over this” And I look him, shake my head and say, “Don’t worry, I won’t. I’m fucking JennyFoster” Mic drop

God always answers our prayers. Sometimes the answer is no.

Sometimes in order to move forward more efficiently, you need to let go of things, ideas and notions that you have been holding on to for longer than you should. A plane with too much drag never gets off the runway.

So last time, in our discussion of the scary over-reachingness of AI, I mentioned my friend Joe. Today, let’s talk about Joe.

I met Joe when I was about 23 years old, naive as could be. He must have been almost 30 by then, if not a little older. He smoked, he drank pretty regularly, was working on his Ph.D and hung out with some, we’ll call them “fun people”.

At the same time, I met this guy named Mike who was 27, claimed he was a financial planner, talked a good game about future plans, didn’t smoke, seemed better on paper, so I dated him and not Joe. But Joe and I talked often and became quite close and at one point, I was thinking about breaking up with Mike to date Joe, but again, Mike still looked better on paper and was clearly the “safer” choice, so I stayed with Mike.

Mike ended being his own special kind of shit show and we’ll save that for a different chapter. Obviously, at some point, Mike and I break up and of course, by that point, it’s too late, Joe had moved on and was with someone else ( who, by the way, he ended up marrying).

So the years go by, I go from one heartbreak to the next and in my heart of hearts all this time, I certain that this was the point where my whole life could have been better, could have been different- the summer of 1998 when I picked Mike instead of Joe. If only I had picked Joe.

About 2 years ago, I connected with Joe on Facebook and just quietly lurked. ( full disclosure – he is fully aware of my stalker like behavior) And one Friday night this past fall, fueled by Captain Morgan and my high-jinx partner, Jenny, I direct messaged him on Facebook. And he like instantly responded. We talked that night and it was awesome. It was like no time had passed at all. We communicated daily and it was wonderful.

But, since life isn’t actually a Hallmark Movie, time had passed. We had grown up and found we are different places in our life, both literally and figuratively. He lives on the west coast now and I live in Wisconsin. He’s a Democrat and well, I’m not. So when we saw each other this February, there was no magic reunion. I spent some time with my good friend.

And I realized, in a moment very like a cheesy movie where the main character gets a glimpse at the path not taken, that we don’t always know why, but things work out the way they do for a reason. Joe is in my life to be my very good friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Especially when said friend gives you an Echo Dot and I have now Alexia here to bless me every time I sneeze, or need a joke, or the time, or to know if dogs have tonsils ( they do) or when my new toaster is coming.

I think AI is going a little too far.

So, get in with me, if you will, to the way back machine and we’ll travel back about 20 years to like 1998. I’m still intermittently attending UW Madison while working and make friends with a Ph.d student named Joe. One night, Joe presents me with the abstract for his thesis, the main idea of which is artificial intelligence, or AI for short, and I have no comprehension of what I am reading. To me, this was some science fiction crap and I just didn’t get it.

Fast forward back to today, our world where the second you change your Facebook status from in a relationship to single, your banner ads are suddenly for dating websites. You mention a Five Guys Milkshake while on the phone with your friend and BAM! the next day, there is an ad for it. We all know that these ads are not merely coincidences, and at times, it gets super creepy. Like to the point where I kind of want to go to Best Buy to Google stuff on the sample computers so I don’t start seeing ads for it on my computer.

So in November, my friend Jenny, who is often a source for the hi-jinks in my life, introduced me to a TV show called Love after Lockup. It is by far one of the best bad reality shows. The premise of the show is couples who meet on (yeah, that’s a thing) and begin dating while one person is prison. Their courtship consists of letters, phone calls, sending money, the occasional jail visit and of course, declarations of love and promises of marriage once the inmate is released. The show follows them as they figure out life together with them both on the outside. I hate to admit this, but it’s like a good train wreck and you just can’t look away. (Kind of in the same way watching Hoarders makes your house feel clean) I can’t even believe this show is a thing and start telling people about it, because it’s practically unbelievable. ( it’s on WE by the way)

In what I can only figure is a cosmic misuse of AI, shortly after my obsession goes full speed on this show, I get an unsolicited letter in the mail from an inmate at Fox Lake Correctional who allegedly got my name and address from some newspaper which I don’t quite understand but that is neither here nor there.

His letter is quite polite but the whole thing is incredibly unfathomable at the same time. He does talk about how to find him on Facebook, which I never did because we all know, once you troll someone, you show up as someone they “might know” and a friend suggestion and I didn’t want that. My friends looked for me. 🙂

Below are some pictures so that you can share in this experience with me. I underlined some interesting info as well as how to find him on Facebook if you are so inclined. And no, I did not write him back.

Envelope Creep factor 10/10
Card received with letter
Inside of Card
Explanation of why he is in jail. It’s his ex girlfriend’s fault. Clearly. Isn’t it always?
In case you wanted to do some Facebook trolling of your own….

I’m in love

Well, it has happened. I have found the one that makes my soul sing. His name is compact Keurig with a 36 ounce water reservoir, options for brewing 6,8 or 10 ounce cups of coffee and it is the most beautiful shade of light teal.

I have hemmed and hawed for years about getting one because they were pricey but then, I put it on my Christmas list and Santa brought it! I also got about 6 weeks worth of K-cups to go with it. Luckily, I also received a lovely jar as a Christmas present that matches and is the perfect container for storing K-cups.

J-FO + Keurig = True Love

I know that there are people everywhere who set up their coffee maker before they go to bed each night and wake up to fresh coffee. I am not together enough for that. I also never understood those people who woke up, had coffee and sat quietly for a while and then started their day. I am one of them now. Like, for example, yesterday morning, I woke up, made a big cup of coffee, mixed in some chocolate milk ( I was out of creamer/white milk) and sat in my cozy chair, listened to a podcast and did Sudoku on my phone while coffeeing. It was amazing. I am one of those people now. Also I got more done yesterday than I had in ages. I finally tackled half of my nemesis, the pantry, where if you follow me on Facebook, you will see I had quite the collection of outdated “non-perishables”. This morning, I could easily see where my cream of mushroom soup was located as I put dinner in the crock-pot.

I don’t want to oversell this, but I think the Keurig is finally going to allow me to realize my potential and become the person I was always meant to be. Until about 1 pm. Then I will crash and require a nap or more coffee.

I made fire!

When you are growing up, there are many things that you are warned are dangerous, including, but not limited to, fire.  As you get older and mature, allegedly you transition from being scared of these things you were once warned about to being a master of them.

I specifically mention fire because it does hold a little of a fear factor for me, I mean fire is hot.  Fire is always hot.  Fire can destruct things but it also can take a piece of raw meat and turn it into some crazy deliciousness.  Specifically when used in grilling.

So, the other day I had planned on making hamburgers and I thought to myself, well, it’s a balmy 32 degrees out, and I have charcoal, why not try and grill?  So I did it.  I packed that chimney full to the top of charcoal and put it in the grill with those those little starter pucks under it.  I lit it up with a single match ( I know, ninja like, right?) and sat back and watched it smoke and flame and flame and flame.  I was told that once the flames died down and the coal was ashy, I could dump my coals and begin cooking.  But it took for ever…. Like at least 30 minutes and there were still flames.  So finally, I just dumped it anyway, they were mostly ashy and that was when the magic happened.

I should back track and let you know that when I decided I was going to fire up the grill, I thought, well I’m using the charcoal anyway, so I pulled more meat out of the freezer.  I boiled a pack of brats in beer, defrosted some chicken breasts and covered those with roasted garlic and herb seasoning and made my pound of grass fed beef into hamburger patties.

I feel like the grill could’ve been hotter but even still, it cooked my meat to beautifully brown and delicious and I couldn’t have been more proud of myself.

Now, I know that to many of you, this might not be a big deal, but here is the thing, it was a big deal.  It was one of those things someone else always did for me and I felt I wasn’t able to do, but I said, f-it, I’m a grown up and I have a grill.  If I want to use it, try and stop me.  (inside my head, I just heard Beevus and Butthead – fire!)